Coping 101

By Metstradamus
Posted Friday, October 5, 2007

Welcome class.

I see that not many of you made it to this first week of classes here at the Fall Semester at Flushing University. Honestly, I can’t say that I blame anyone for not showing up. I mean, with all of the cutbacks, the Fall Semester started earlier than expected. A lot of students have just decided to bag it for the first month until they can get their emotional problems squared away.

I know it’s depressing to be here … I mean, the façade of the building has had the bright orange painted over with a gray/black mixture. It’s not conducive to a happy learning environment. But students, don’t blame the professors. They tried as hard as they could to put together a good October curriculum. But they were abandoned by the higher ups … the ones we write about and teach about. And know that the dedication to learning which has brought you here will serve you well in your future endeavors.

You, my friends, are the A students.

So with that said, welcome to “Coping 101”. You’ll have to forgive me since I was told to teach this class at the last minute … my lesson plan is kind of all over the place. Why don’t we start with a short Q&A with each other, okay? Does anyone want to lead off with any questions?

Why are we here?

Well, billions and billions of years ago, the rock formations in outer space came together to form our solar system, and …

No, professor, why does this class exist? It was never offered last year?

Oh. Well, there wasn’t a need for this class last October. There was a budget, there was a real lesson plan, and most of all there was baseball. This October, the Playoff 101 Class was cut from the budget because the higher ups were bored from April to September and decided to go home early.

Why did they get bored?

I wish I knew. I was speaking to some professors over at Blake Street U., where their higher ups, their school board was faced with a lot of the same obstacles that ours were here. But that school board got angry, fought for their curriculum, and they have very high enrollment and lots of demand. And yes, they have a Playoffs 101 class. We, for whatever reason don’t offer it this semester.

Hey, I heard of Blake Street University. There’s somebody on their board that used to be here, right?

Yeah, and he’s finally coming into his own and the students love him. I just wished they would have loved him while he was here.

So when the school board comes back in February, what do they have to do to make sure we get Playoffs 101 next October?

Well hopefully, the same school board that screwed us this year isn’t going to be back next spring. If they come back with the same disinterested school board, then all the good classes like Division Lead 1, Division Lead 2 and Division Lead 3 will also be cut. We need a school board that will fight for all the good classes before all that will be left will be those big study hall classes … you know: Mediocrity 208, Listless 5, and Dog Days 1000. I don’t know of anyone who went to the real world prepared taking classes like that.

Yeah, my father went to this university when he was my age, and they had classes like Last Place 101, Firecrackers 2, and Bleach 409. And it was weird because there was almost no enrollment then even though the school spent a lot of money. What can F.U. do to make sure that doesn’t happen again?

Well first, let me tell you that I taught here during that time too. It was around 1993 I believe. It was awful. Yeah, the management spent a lot of money for the school, but it was wasteful. There weren’t a lot of classes, the school board was nasty and wouldn’t even look at their faculty much less talk to them, and the only thing they spent money on were all of those field trips to the Bronx. It was bad. But what happened to us this time … it might be even worse. Sure as heck more heartbreaking. That’s why we’re offering Coping 101.

Look kids, it’s cyclical. A lot of schools find that right mix of management that cares for their students, but they can’t hold on to it forever. At some point, after a bit of success, it’s inevitable that there’s some minor changes, or just complacency that sets in that brings certain schools back to the middle of the pack, or worse. With the way things shook down at this University, there’s going to have to be some major changes to boost enrollment, and make sure we can teach the good classes, and not just the boring, depressing ones. The problem though, kids, is that whenever you have a high turnover within the school board, there’s always a chance that it’s going to take a while to regain that elite status that this University once was close to last year. Or worse, we can move down the ladder and go back to the bottom of the pack. I hope that doesn’t happen. I hope more and more people will come and get their degree here at F.U. But one thing is for sure, we need changes … big ones. Now let’s get to the actual course here. Now, what do you know about coping?

I’m sorry teach. But one more question: Who can F.U. get to be on the board here?

Well there’s this guy at Twins College …
 

Of course, the courses, study halls, and other Universities mentioned previously are fictional. Unfortunately, the coping part caused by the 2007 school board known as the New York Mets is real. Metstradamus is here to get you through it … that is, if he can get through it himself. So come back to Flushing U. during the winter, when the professor will rustle up a real lesson plan. Don’t forget to visit the professor at his home base for some extra credit.