Happy Roger Clemens Is A Dirty Cheater And Will Never Make The Hall Of Fame Day!

By Tom "Mr Star" Starita
Posted Saturday, December 15, 2007

With the Presidential primaries heating up, both party races are wide open. So wide open that there is a possibility of a THRILLING Huckabee/Obama match up! America, I have come to save your election, and I am open to running under any party banner. Whether it’s Republican, Democrat, Libertarian, Green, Communist, whoever wants me can have me and I’m guaranteeing a win.

That’s right; even though I’m only twenty nine and can’t technically run for President I will guarantee victory!

How?

I’m running on one platform and one platform only. Iraq, health care, immigration, those issues I can work out solutions with Congress. I don’t need to come up with my own.

Do you want to know what my only platform is?

I bet you do!

My proposal is that we make December 13th a national day of celebration. I even have a catchy title:

HAPPY ROGER CLEMENS IS A DIRTY CHEATER AND WILL NEVER MAKE THE HALL OF FAME DAY!

Sure it’s kind of wordy but I think it has a nice sing song quality about it.

Seriously, I have been fortunate to have a number of great days in my life, but this past Thursday might have been the greatest of them all. The day started with my cousin Greg and my friend Mike texting me the Clemens/Pettite story and when I strolled to my computer my cousin Matt had left a happy instant message saying the same thing.

From there the day kept getting better and better.

WFAN, ESPN, newspapers, the UPS guy, my dad, EVERYONE was bashing Roger Clemens. It’s enough to bring a tear to my eye!

It only took seven years but justice has been served.

Growing up, the two best pitchers I ever saw were Dwight Gooden and Roger Clemens. Unfortunately Dwight decided to tank his career with drugs and lots of them, while Roger chose to tank his career with pastries and lots of them! During the fall of 1995 I was in my senior year of high school, and I remember talking with my friends about Clemens signing with Toronto. We couldn’t believe how all great players seemed to end their careers washed up and wearing a different uniform. Clemens was just another athlete to be added to a list that encompassed all four sports. He was fat and in the middle of his thirties, now an average pitcher at best. We figured he would spend a couple more years in Canada before retiring and maybe/probably making the Hall of Fame.

But Clemens wasn’t washed up. No he went out the next year and won the Cy Young award, then followed that year with an even better year and another Cy Young award. Of course he also seemed to have put on more weight (if that was possible), but now it wasn’t fat, it looked like muscle.

Hmmm what could that be?

This wasn’t the first time I thought a player was using steroids. When Lenny Dykstra was flirting with .400 in the early summer of 1990, he looked like he ate Wally Backman! Watching Lenny hit the walk off home run in Game 3 of the 86 NLCS and now watching this Lenny hit line drives in a Phillies uniform and you didn’t have to guess what was up.

During the magical year of 1996, when Todd Hundley went from a light swinging, always hurt catcher, to a chiseled clean up hitter my friends and I didn’t think it was from all that extra time in the gym. The same went for Bernard Gilkey, who was a machine that year and never again.

There are plenty more guys that we just assumed were juiceheads but I want to stay on point here.

Clemens didn’t bother me because he seemed to come back down to Earth as a Yankee in 1998 and 1999. Now, reading the Mitchell report it makes sense. He wasn’t using in those years and his numbers were good for a pitcher approaching the tail end of his thirties. But Clemens wasn’t satisfied with having a great career, no no, he wanted to be legendary. So here comes the Winstrol and here comes the needles in the butt and coincidentally here comes an out of control fastball at Mike Piazza’s head!

But Clemens wasn’t a head hunter, no he was just “claiming the inside corner”

And then, three months later, here comes Clemens throwing half the bat back at Mike Piazza.

But Clemens wasn’t roid raging, no, he was just “intense”

But things got worse for me, and any other Mets fan who now hated Roger Clemens. Because now he was entering into the “legendary” category. Every year Peter Gammons would report in spring training about “The Rocket’s” unbelievable “work ethic”. Sure he was a forty year old man who looked better now than he did at twenty four but let’s ignore that. While the media pointed out Barry Bonds’ increase in hat size, they ignored Roger’s entire body blowing up like a Thanksgiving Day Parade float! Barry Bonds was evil and should be banned from baseball, Roger was a hero who was showing every middle aged man in the country what could still be accomplished with hard work!

Hold my hat while I go throw up in the toilet!

Let’s all watch and applaud while he starts crossing into rarified air. 300 game winner, 4000 strike outs, seven time Cy Young award winner. Let’s all boo and bash Barry Bonds while he passes Willie Mays, Babe Ruth and finally Hank Aaron!

I am a conservative guy by nature. I’m voting for Rudi in the election and it annoys me to no end when people instantly use “the race card” as an answer to any problem. But if the Clemens/Bonds comparison doesn’t scream racism I don’t know what does. For years, the best hitter of my generation, maybe one of the top five hitters of all time was known as Public Enemy #1. Meanwhile, the best pitcher of my generation, maybe one of the top five pitchers of all time was known as a hero and a future Hall of Famer.

I wake up today to read articles by Bill Madden in the Daily News about how he is “shocked” by Clemens being included in the report. How his rule was to never vote for anyone suspected of steroids for the hall of fame but now he might have to “reconsider”.

PLEASE!

Roger Clemens is a cheating, lying, angry, choke artist who only found success pitching in the post season with the help of a needle! He is a man who should be remembered for freaking out on the mound in Oakland during the 1990 ALCS, for fearing Mike Piazza so much he had to almost kill him and now finally for the Mitchell Report.

Maybe next year we could start sending each other “Happy Roger Clemens Is a Dirty Cheater and Will Never Make the Hall of Fame Day” cards. In a couple of years perhaps we could expand it to gifts as well. I think sending each other tiny needles, maybe as a necklace or earrings for girls and as cuff links for guys would definitely celebrate all of his accomplishments.

And the best part of all is in a couple of years, when Mike Piazza is making his Hall of Fame induction speech Roger can buy a ticket with the rest of us and take a tour.

Because that’s the closest he’s ever going to get.

Tom isn’t exaggerating, he is BEYOND ecstatic that Clemens has been outed. Not to mention how the Yankees dynasty was built on a mountain of syringes and illegal substances. Is it a coincidence that they haven't won a World Series since? Curse anyone? If you want to send Tom a card email him at mrstarita@yahoo.com or express your joy in the forums below