More "Shut Up!" -- Election Year Edition

By Deb McIver
Posted Friday, February 8, 2008

In case any of you isn’t yet aware, 2008 is a presidential election year. Yep, that’s right, in the United States. Right here, in the United States, our country. You know, the one between Canada and Mexico on the world map, where most if not all of us live. Like it or not, there is much more happening than the Giants winning the Super Bowl, and the Mets acquiring Johan Santana, thereby assuring themselves of a postseason berth.

Or so I say, lol.

And I’ve been taking it all in, listening to the political and media wags, the pundits, the knowledgeable, the not-so-knowledgeable; the natty, the pretty, the un-pretty, the dead, and the half-dead.

And I decided it was time for another in my Shut Up! series.

So without further ado, here are the folks that ought to just zip their yaps this election year:

1. Ann Coulter – sure, she’s gonna vote for Hillary. SUUUURRREEEE she is! Just when I thought she couldn’t be any more of a joke than she was already, she comes out with this nonsense, that all good neocons (see below) must vote for Hillary if McCain, who has apparently committed the great sin of not being “conservative enough,” gets the Republican nomination. Talk about cutting one’s nose off to spite one’s face. C’mon, Ann! Could your neocon spiteful nakedness be more apparent? You’re wearing it in, uh, spades. Jeeeze, Louise -- I mean, er, Ann!

2. Rush Limbaugh – by now, we’ve all figured out that (a) neocons are now officially a walking, living and breathing anachronism (everywhere except in Middle America/Bible Belt land, and frankly, that's a big fat another "who cares?") and (b) as a natural outgrowth of (a), and in answer to the "who cares?" question...nobody cares. About neocons, and what they think, and all. (Ann Coulter, pay attention here.) Hey, you had your eight years of George W. Bush, let someone else have his or her turn at singlehandedly putting this country on the backtrack to nowhere. Rush, like Ann, is a rabble-rousing inciting buffoon, generally, and more particularly insofar as election year is concerned, a shameless advocate of the hopelessly outdated neocon agenda. In case you haven't figured that our for yourselves, and all, I'm just saying, you know, just pointing it out. Putting aside for now the fact that Rush, one of the country's leading neocon spokesmen, has oft times and repeatedly committed the much publicized and decidedly "liberal" sins of drug addiction and abuse.... far be it from him to accept his own humanity, let alone ours; instead, he simply ignores it in favor of plunging full-steam ahead with his agenda of telling everyone how, what and sometimes even why they ought to do what he wants them to. Do as I say, not as I do, heh, Rush? Leading his neocon audience to the slaughter.... that's our Rush! Not that they don't deserve it, but still.... humanity and all, you know?

3. Mary Matalin – To paraphrase an old Guns ‘N Roses song -- I used to love you, but now, I have to kill you. And I did (love you, that is, despite your unashamed Republicanism), but I sometimes wish someone would. Or at least stop inviting you on forum after forum after forum. We already know what’s going to come out of your mouth, such a total and complete conservative Republican apologist are you. The only thing I’m still left to speculate on is how your marriage to #4 has been as successful and happy and has lasted as long as it has. Power to the people (right on!), and all.

4. James Carville – see Mary Matalin. Although frankly I find him much more entertaining and knowledgeable than his alter ego and (ahem) better half. And much more likeable, and much less smug, certain, and close-minded. He's tries hard to be charming; plus, he likes to cook. But still, enough of the Mary and James show... it's soooo 1990s.

Before I leave these two, though, as a “parting gift, thank you for playing” of sorts, I have to give props to their joint memoir of the 1992 Presidential campaign entitled “All’s Fair: Love, War and Running for President.” OK, soooo 1990s, as I said before, but it's a good read, fun stuff, and contains some interesting insights on man-child George Stephanopoulos, and child-child William Jefferson Clinton. Which brings me to #5:

5. William Jefferson Clinton. I honestly never thought I would see such obvious confusion, anger, jibberish, lack of lucidity and failure to enunciate any interesting or relevant political commentary from Mr. William Jefferson Clinton. On some days, I actually think Obama hired him to sabotage his wife’s campaign. He’s not helping her, and he ought to shut his yap, or decide that it isn’t about HIM, it’s about HER, and go with it.

Fat chance, you say? Yeah, I agree. Like Mr. Sharpton (#8), it is rapidly becoming more and more evident, each day, that William Jefferson Clinton is for William Jefferson Clinton Only, so help him, and us. But definitely not for Hillary. He just can’t seem to grasp that he’s the has-been, the never-will-be-anymore, and his obvious difficulty and reluctance to cede the stage and the spotlight to his wife are painful to watch.

So let’s move on.

6. Mitt Romney – you’re about finished, dude. For crying out loud, even a guy named "Huckabee" is beating you in the polls. So, shut up, already! Besides, you can never trust a man with obviously dyed, can't possibly-be-his-real-color-it's-so-impossibly-dark hair, and who changes his position (not sexual position, which might actually make for some fun and interesting campaign gossip) on every single important issue from one day to the next. Now mind you, he has rather well-thought-out logical explanations for these, uh, position adjustments, but I’ve found that other than the ubiquitous local pill pusher, corner crack dealer, town drunk and most of their local police forces, seldom do people unite more than in their distrust and dislike of a flip-flopper, an all-over-the-map type, who has bare naked (there's that neocon nakedness again) ambition written all over his impossibly dark-haired-framed face, fitting about as well as a cheap suit on a fat guy. Ambition that is so bare naked, it’s impossible to clothe in anything but (yep, you guessed it) – MORE ambition. So if the clothes fit, wear ‘em Mitt.

And as if all THAT wasn't enough - as Coop has so often pointed out, he's got a son named Tagg. Yikes! I don't think so, Tim, er or is that, Tagg?

And as of the writing of this on February 7, it looks as if Mr. Romney may be getting the "Shut up!" message, as he has apparently suspended his Presidential campaign. Oh, goody.... at least he can soon make the Shut Up! list while campaigning for someone other than himself.

7. Oprah Winfrey. Now, I know she's an icon and all, but honestly, does she have to stick her big nose (not to mention other parts) into everything? This woman is like a one-woman world; she's got it all, is involved in it all, and knows it all. Nice and self-contained. The only mystery about all this, to me, anyway, is how she's managed to consistently maintain her popularity and influence... she is, after all, just a TV star, when all is said and done. So in that spirit, or lack thereof, I would invite Ms. Winfrey to just give us a break with regard to politics, and stick to telling us where to turn for help for our problems, what to read, and other questions regarding the general well-being of self.

And after all, Oprah, you did "discover" Dr. Phil, and for that alone, I'm not buying any of it!

8. Al Sharpton – wait a minute, he’s not saying anything! I guess I put him on the list out of reflex action, he’s such a stalwart in my Shut Up! columns. Yep, “Old Reliable,” I’m going to start calling him. But does anyone else find his failure to commit himself to a candidate in this campaign as silly as they would his predictable endorsement? Once again, I submit this proves that Sharpton is for Sharpton. In fact, the next time he decides to run an ill-fated presidential campaign, that ought to be its slogan – Sharpton For Sharpton. Hey, it won’t get him any votes, but it’s the truth, nothing but the truth, so help him.

I guess he’s stuck in between the proverbial Rock (Hillary) and the Hard Place (Obama). Poor Al; for once, a real dilemma.

And that’s a wrap folks.

And remember this – if you really want to shut somebody up, go out and vote!