Q & A With New Mets' GM, George W. Bush

By Deb McIver
Posted Thursday, January 24, 2008

FLUSHING, N.Y. The New York Mets, in a surprise move and in a moment of apparent lunacy, have today announced that President George W. Bush has been named General Manager of the team, replacing the recently fired Omar Minaya. Bush, who brings his experience as a past owner of the Texas Rangers major league baseball franchise, recently sat down with an F.U. interviewer to answer a few questions for our readers.

(Author's Note: After a few preliminary questions into the interview, Mr. Bush decided that in lieu of providing new answers, since he was so busy trying to broker peace in the Middle East and what with the economy tanking every day and all, he’d just recycle a few of his answers to questions previously put to him during his Presidency. So here, without further ado, are the results of the interview:)

Q: First of all, Mr.Bush, welcome to New York!

A: Well, I love New York, you know. Nice place, not a lot of terrorism right now thanks to me, and Mayor Rudy Giuliani is, well, you know, he's not the mayor anymore, but he used to be the mayor, and right now, he's on the road and all.... And by the way, "I want to thank you for taking time out of your day to come and witness my hanging.”

Q: Uh, okay. So what do you think of the team at this point in time? Does the team have what it needs to win the division in 2008?

A: “It's exciting; I don't know whether I'm going to win or not. I think I am. I do know I'm ready for the job. And, if not, that's just the way it goes.” And to tell you the truth, “one of the common denominators I have found is that expectations rise above that which is expected.” So rise to the expectations, and expect the expectations you expect!

Q: Mr. Bush, what’s the Mets’ stance on the acquisition of Johan Santana?

A: Well, as you know, “most imports are from outside of the country.” And since “you can fool some of the people all the time… those are the ones you want to concentrate on.” And well, we’re concentrating on this import from outside of the country and trying to fool everyone while doing it.

And “I think if you say you're going to do something and don't do it, that's trustworthiness.”

And one last thing -- “when I take action, I'm not going to fire a $2 million missile at a $10 empty tent and hit a camel in the butt. It's going to be decisive.”

So, believe me, there aren't any camel's butts here!

Q: Is there anything to the accusation that your predecessor, Omar Minaya, had a “budget” within which to work?

A: Well, “It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.” And, you know, you need numbers for a budget, otherwise it's not a budget. And if it's not a budget, it doesn't have numbers. And this clearly does.

Q: And what do you say about various allegations that Mr. Minaya concentrated on bringing in mostly Latin players? And will you continue to concentrate on a certain nationality or heritage of players?

A: “What I'm against is quotas. I'm against hard quotas, quotas that basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society.” But rest assured, there won't be a bunch of Vulcans on the team, either.

Q: And what about the Lastings Milledge trade? Was there something more to it?

A: “I think we ought to raise the age at which juveniles can have a gun.” Does that answer the question? I think it does *wink*.

Q: What do you think is the most important function of a GM?

A: “See, in my line of work you got to keep repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kind of catapult the propaganda.” Repeating, and repeating is what makes a good GM, you know, being repetitive in thoughts and repeating them and repetivizing them. That's what it's all about.

Q: And what do you promise to do for the Mets and their fans during your tenure as GM, Mr. Bush?

A: Well, when I was with the Texas Rangers, "they misunderestimated me." I can tell you this, while here, "I promise you I will listen to what has been said here, even though I wasn't here." And I know what I believe. I will continue to articulate what I believe and what I believe -- I believe what I believe is right." Right?

Q: What mistakes did you make with the Texas Rangers that taught you anything about what you’d now like to do as a baseball GM?

A: “I wish you'd have given me this written question ahead of time so I could plan for it...I'm sure something will pop into my head here in the midst of this press conference, with all the pressure of trying to come up with answer, but it hadn't yet...I don't want to sound like I have made no mistakes. I'm confident I have. I just haven't -- you just put me under the spot here, and maybe I'm not as quick on my feet as I should be in coming up with one."

And you know, I haven't made any mistakes since I made that quote I made, probably not before or after it, or even during it. Mistakes, I mean. Not quotes.

Q: And Mr. Bush, did the Wilpons promise you full autonomy in all baseball decisions?

A: Well, I can tell you this: "I'm the decider, and I decide what is best…” And when it comes to the Mets, I'm deciding what the best is, and we'll get the best, the best of the best. Whatever's best, we won't be bested by anything more than the very best. At the very least; er, make that, the very best.

Q: What’s your philosophy about the job of GM?

A: Well, haha, I believe that “If this were a dictatorship, it'd be a heck of a lot easier, just so long as I'm the dictator." And since I'm the decider, well, guess who's the dictator... heh heh heh.

Q: And what would you like to say to your season ticket holders?

A: Well, I would say this: “This is an impressive crowd: the have's and have-more's. Some people call you the elites. I call you my base.” Yessiree, you folks are my base, the basest of the base. Like the finest military base, that's the kind of base I like!

Q: When all is said and done, what would you like your legacy as Mets’ GM to be?

A: ““There's no such thing as legacies. At least, there is a legacy, but I'll never see it.” You know, because I'll be dead, and all, and then God can really speak through me!