Shear Luck: The Mets “Play Bald!”

By Evan "The Real Deal" Pritchard
Posted Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Young rookie Joe Smith, the star of the “Subway Series” opener who struck out Derek Jeter on Friday night, was interviewed this Saturday, May 19th on WFAN. He mentioned that he was one of the first to have his hair cut off Monday night during the San Francisco series. Since then he has been, except for a teensy weensie grand slam in Milwaukee, “lights out.” The Mets have been 9-2 since the great scalpification and a lot of players have been breaking out of slumps, and in each case it seems like a trip to Beltran’s No-Frills Barber Shop had something to do with it.

Psychologists say that when you want to break out of a destructive pattern it is a good time to change your hair style, change your diet, or style of clothing. Cutting your hair off is a radical change in hair do—or hair don’t rather—and one often associated with penance and mourning and withdrawal from the world. In some cultures it is how warriors prepare for
battle, but as to which warriors and which battles I haven’t a clue.

It all started when David Wright found himself in a very big power slump, and the Mets as a team were slipping behind the Atlanta Braves in the standings as well. They took no hint from Samson, and sheared their locks in order to give the team a different look. The Red Sox “The Idiots” had made a similar move a few years ago and it worked rather well for them. The main player to keep his hair was Jose Reyes, who was filming a music video. It’s hard to imagine Reyes without hair anyway.

Here is a day by day account of what has happened to those players since Beltran’s busy pruning shears took their toll upon the heads of the Sons of Mets.

On Monday, April 31st, a week before the outbreak of baldness among the Mets, things really started to go south. They were playing a night home game against Florida, and the Marlins beat Chan Ho Park 9-6. El Duque came down with bursitis in his right shoulder, and second baseman Valentin had a partially torn knee ligament, both on the DL for 15 days. The Mets had plenty of errors and David Wright hit bottom with an 0 for 5 night, leaving 6 runners on base, 5 in scoring position. The Mets went to 15-9 on the year, and Atlanta ended up a half game ahead of the Mets in the standings. The Mets had been so-so (6-6 at home) for the Shea Faithful, and were not impressed with themselves.

Compared to a week earlier, Delgado was down 15 to .188, Wright was down 30 to .244, Alou was down 33 to .349, Shawn Green was up 13 to .355. The good news: Easley was up 91 to .273, Reyes’ average was up 27 to .356, LoDuca held at .237, Beltran was up 23 to .356,

They lost again against the Marlins on Tuesday, May 1st. Then on Wednesday May 2nd, they prevailed against the Diamondbacks in Phoenix, 6-3. Oliver Perez got the win They were tied for first with the Braves. Then they won two more against the D’backs, but lost the fourth game behind Pelfrey, 3-1 to break their 13 game win streak in Arizona. Losing in Arizona was a bad sign.

The Mets arrived in San Francisco on Monday May 7th for an exciting series, unaware they were about to have part of their bodies removed. The first game was to start 10:15 PM by Eastern time standards, Oliver Perez was starting. When they began that fateful game they were tied for first with a 19-11 record. Reyes was down slightly at .351, (but leading the NL in steals and tied in triples) Chavez was at .343, Wright was at .239, Delgado was back up to .212, Shawn Green was at .351, Easley was down to .194, and Beltran was back down to .333.

Oliver Perez started and pitched well for four innings. Then everything fell apart at the seams and the Mets were crushed 9-4. In that (and the next) game, David Wright broke seven bats. That was the day the New York Yankees decided to do something about their slump and signed Roger Clemens to return to their team. The Mets decided to do something about their slump, something very different. They acted boldly, decisively, firmly.

They cut off all their hair.

David Wright got a buzz cut from the neo-shamanistic Beltran after the Monday game because he wanted to “change it up,” as he put it. Over the next two days, most Mets players were to get a buzz cut or have their hair shaved off by the Demon Barber of Hit Streaks, Carlos Beltran, a man known to put a lot of stock in ham and cheese sandwiches and goatees as a strategy for wining ball games. GM Omar Minaya and Jay Horowitz, the VP for media relations, also joined in, and soon their hair was in the garbage can as well. The slumping Delgado already had no hair. A few days later, some of the club house attendants and Ethan Wilson, a media relations official, had their hair removed surgically by the cool hand and razor sharp eye of the barberous Carlos Beltran. Alou had a touch up. Shawn Green felt the peer pressure and had his hair reluctantly cut off. “If it doesn’t grow back, there will be some law suits floating around this club house,” he said. He was concerned that his daughters would not recognize him. In fact, they did, but said he looked like The Beast from the movie Beauty And…. Not exactly a compliment.

In the end, no non-Reyes scalp was spared, the Mets had become the baldest-pated team in baseball history. On May 13th, the scoreboard before the game said, “PLAY BALD!” And they did!

To go with all the media hype that has followed this team, the most since The Rape of the Lock was first staged, I have composed a little song, which may sound strangely similar to a song from Sweeney Todd by Stephen Sondheim. My apologies, as always.

 

The Ballad of Carlos B.

Attend the tale of Carlos B.
His hand was cool and his eye was keen.
He shaved the faces of gentlemen
who never thereafter were struck out again.
He cut a swath that few have made
the Boss of Blade
the Demon Barber of Hit Streaks.
He set up shop beneath old Shea
Of fancy clients with weak BA’s,
and what if none of their locks were saved
they manned their positions impeccably shaved.
By Carlos
the Boss of Blade
the Demon Barber of Hit Streaks.

Swing your razor wide!
Carlos, hold it to the skies.
Freely flows the hairs from those who sympathize!
His needs were few, his locker was bare.
A lavabo and a fancy chair.
A mug of suds, and a leather strop,
an apron, a towel, a pail, and a mop.
For neatness he deserves an “A”
does the Boss of Blade
the Demon Barber of Hit Streaks!
Inconspicuous Carlos was,
quick, and quiet and clean he was.
Back of his smile, under his word,
Carlos heard music that nobody heard.
Carlos pondered and Carlos planned,
like a perfect machine he planned,
Carlos was smooth, Carlos was subtle,
Carlos would blink, and rats would scuttle
Carlos was smooth, Carlos was subtle
Carlos would blink, and rats would scuttle

Carlos, Carlos, Carlos….
Carlos B…

Attend the tale of Carlos B.
He served with a dark and a vengeful glee
Carlos B.

What happens next, well that's the play,
and he wouldn't want us to give it away...
Not Carlos
Not Carlos B
The Demon Barber of Hit….
Streaks…

(applause)

On Tuesday, May 8th, shocked and inspired by their own questionable behavior, the new-shorn Mets began the beguine of winning and beat the Giants 4-1. Reyes went 2 for 5 and went to .350, Wright went 2 for 4 and raised his average to .254, Beltran was at .318, Alou was 1 for 3 at .333; LoDuca went 3 for 4 and was at .286. Unfortunately, Delgado went 0-4 and langored at .207, obviously because he had no locks to lose; 1 WIN SINCE THE GREAT HARVEST OF HAIR.

On Wednesday, May 9th, John Maine struggled a little, but was rescued by the surging Wright and Delgado who broke out of their slumps. Maine got a two run lead on Gotay’s homer in the third, but then gave up three to fall behind the Giants. Delgado hit only his second homer of the year in the fourth to tie up the game 3-3. David Wright knocked in two runs in the top of the ninth to break open a 3-3 tie on a bases loaded double off Benitez. He said maybe the win would jump start the Mets. It did. Reyes went 2 for 5 and went to .352; Wright was 1 for 4 and was at .254, Beltran was at 1 for 4 and at .316, Delgado went 2 for 5 and went to .214, Alou was 1 for 4 and was at .330; LoDuca went 2 for 4 and raised his average to .294. At the end of the day, the Mets won 5-3 and were again tied with Atlanta, 21 wins-12 losses. 2 WINS

On Thursday May 10th, the Mets had a day off. Then on Friday the 11th, the Mets were in Milwaukee and really showed some power and broke the Brewers’ six game win streak, and their achy breaky hearts, 5-4. Sosa gave up two runs and four hits, and the Mets scored four in the fourth. Delgado hit a two run homer, Wright, coming out of his power shortage at last, blasted a solo shot, and Easley another. The other run was on a run scoring single by LoDuca. It was their seventh win in nine games. 3 WINS

Saturday the 12th, the Mets lost to Milwaukee when J.J. Hardy hit a grand slam off of Joe Smith, the only scoring off Smith to date so far this year. There were 15 other Brewers’s hits in the game and they went on to win 12-3. The Mets managed only 6 hits. One blogger reported that there were fans in the stands with Wright tee shirts who had just shaved their heads in solidarity, and so Wright obliged them and “went yard” for only the third time this year. Sosa went 6 2/3rds. 1 LOSS

Sunday the 13th, the Mets faced Milwaukee again for a 1;10 game and Oliver Perez was on the mound. The Mets dominated 9-1 on 14 hits. The Brewers only had 3, and only one of them was off Oliver Perez through 8 innings. The Mets scored five times in the eight to put the Brewers away. Easley went 3 for 5 with a homer, Wright happily and baldly went 2 for 4 to raise his mark to .262. Gomez went 2 for 4 to hit the .500 mark in batting average. Beltran smashed a homer. Reyes went 1 for 4 and went down to .353. 4th WIN

Then on Monday the 14th they were in Chicago, for a wild and wooly one which they won on a walk-off walk to Delgado, 5-4. In an outbreak of two out madness, Reyes singled off reliever Wuertz in the bottom of the ninth, then stole his 23rd base on a pitchout which unnerved the pitcher. He walked Chavez, then Beltran got a semi-intentional walk, then Delgado fouled off several 3-2 pitches before allowing a fourth ball for a game winning walk. Earlier in the game the short-haired long-ball hitter David Wright smacked a two run homer to make it 4-2 Cubs and help the team overcome a four run deficit. For the Mets it was their fifth win in six games, and had won 9 of the last 12. The Mets went a half game ahead of Atlanta at 24-13. Reyes was 1-4 and went to .338; Chavez was 2-4 and went to .364; Beltran went 0-3 and went to .313; Delgado was 1-3 and stayed at .212; Wright went 3-4 and scored 2 runs with 2 rbis for a big Night on Bald Mountain. His average went back up to .276. Shawn Green went down to .316, LoDuca went 1-4 to .286. The Mets had won five of six and nine of twelve. 5 WINS

On Tuesday the 15th the Mets matched marvelous John Maine against Chicago star Carlos Zambrano and the results were not the greatest. They lost 10-1 and didn’t perform well at the plate. Shawn Green had his fifth homer. Their record went to 24-14, tied again for first. 2nd LOSS.

Wednesday the 16th and other than the upset over Lastings Milledge’s sexist rap song, the big news was Sosa. The Mets faced Chicago in a game more greatly delayed by rain than Noah’s DoveWatch Committee Celebration Picnic. I “watched” the end of that one on Game Day, which is sort of like watching a chess match by ticker tape. Sosa had a one-hitter into the eighth. The final score was Mets 8 Cubs 1. The Mets got 12 hits. 6 WINS.

Thursday the 17th, the Mets beat the Cubs again by a score of 6 to 5, collecting 11 hits during the course of the evening. Chavez, Gotay and Green all went 2 for 4. By the end of those two games, Reyes was batting .337, Chavez was at .353, Shawn Green was at .327, Wright was at .279, Delgado was at .216, Gomez was at .417, Easley was up to .281 and Beltran was at .305. 7 WINS.

Then on Friday the 18th, they beat the Yankees 3-2 behind some strong pitching and foul-line jumping by Oliver Perez, helped of course by Secret Weapon Joe Smith who came in out of nowhere to strike out Derek Jeter. Endy Chavez hit a two run blast with a little kick to it to put the Mets on top wfor good. 8 WINS.

At the end of the game, Reyes was at .335 (down 16 from when he refused Beltran’s razor) with 2 homers; Beltran was at .299 (down 34) with 8 homers, Wright was at .274 (up 35) with 4 homers, Delgado was at .213 (up 1) with 3 homers, Green was at .327 (down 24) with 5 homers, LoDuca was at .298 (up 60) with 2 homers, Alou was at .318 (down 64) with 2 homers, Easley was at .269 (up 75) with 6 homers and Chavez was at .352 (up 9) with one homer.

From these stats you can see that during the bald streak, the batting averages didn’t change that much. Mainly it was Wright, LoDuca and Easley whose batting averages soared, but others went down. The difference was in power. A lot more popcorn was getting out of the pot, as they say (well, no one really says that) a lot more homers were flying over the fence, and more runs were being scored, and more wins were being registered, 8 and 2 since the incident. They had outscored opponents 49-43 during those ten games, an average of five runs a game.

On Saturday, May 19th, the Mets opened up in the first against the Yankees. Reyes singled then stole second. Chavez singled then Reyes scored the first run on a sac fly by Beltran. Then Wright hit a two run homer, scoring Chavez, giving the Mets a 3-0 lead with the Yankees yet to bat. The Yankees came back with a solo homer by Cano off Glavine. The Mets scored one in the second, as did the Yanks, to make it 4-2. Then Wright hit another home run in the third inning with Delgado on base, making it 6-2. That one went 460 feet and landed inside the new Citifield stadium, now under construction to the east of Shea, a different kind of “inside the park” homer. In the fourth inning, Delgado doubled in Chavez, and then Beltran scored on a fielder’s choice to make it 8 to 2. Wright was walked intentionally three more times, and incidentally hit a homer in his next at bat for three consecutive dingers. He then found himself 13 for 30. The Yanks got within one to make it exciting, but then the Mets got two more runs and won the game 10-7. The Mets were now 9-2 since the rape of the lock, with the most runs scored by any team in the National League on the year. Happily, Reyes’ precious hair was not weighing him down too badly. At the end of the day, he was batting .331, 6th in the NL, second in runs scored with 37, 2nd in hits with 59, and leading the league in stolen bases.

Update: David Wright continued to hit the long ball on Sunday, and hit a solo homer off of the Yankee Clippard, his seventh of the year, most of them while experiencing hairlessness. We’ll see if the Heirs Apparent to the New York Dynasty (and some hairs not so apparent) can come back from their 6-2 loss Sunday to the Yankees on national television. If they do, I think we can chalk it up to “shear luck!”