Top Ten People In Baseball I Just Wish Would Shut The H*ll Up, Thank You Very Much!!!

By Deb McIver
Posted Friday, November 2, 2007

We all have our lists, I’m sure. Our top ten players of all time. Our top ten Mets. Our top ten current Mets. Our top ten most hated Mets. You know, lists, lists… and more lists.

Well, here’s one of mine. My Top Ten People In Baseball I Just Wish Would Shut The H*ll Up, Thank You Very Much!!! Right now. And tomorrow. And the next day.

And the day after that.

And so on, and so on, and so on.

Ready? Here goes, counting down from number ten:

10. Brian Cashman. Yep, that’s right; the venerable and eminently likeable Yankee GM. The only reason he’s on the list is, well, two reasons, really. The first is that he’s a Yankee (snicker), and the second is that he’s just so dang boring! He rattles on and on, along and adrift, repeating himself, ad nauseum.

Oy ve, Brian, you’ve already said it once! I know you really try very hard to answer the questions put to you, but could you try answering a little more concisely and with a little less pablum? Thank you!

9. Joe Girardi. In the first place, he really wasn’t such a great Yankee. In the second place, he really was not very good in the booth, either. And now, today, he talked about not being worried about whether or not he’d manage again because of “his faith.” (Insert eye roll here.) Just what we need; another former/current athlete trying to convince us that God doesn’t have better things to do than worry about whether or not he manages, hits, produces, whatever.

(Another eye roll.)

Just do us a favor and shut up, Joe, will you? At least until you start managing next season and have something worthwhile to say.

8. Al Leiter. How do I dislike thee? Let me count the ways. Seldom has a bigger phony come down the line, except for, well, read on!

Yes, Mr. Met himself, who purportedly ran the Mets with Captain John Franco for a little while there, and who never seemed to get over the Mets, himself, or much of anything else. Turns out he’s another semi-disaster in the booth, which was somewhat surprising to me, considering some of his rather decent post-season gigs with Fox.

You know what, Al? Become a politician. You’ve got all the self-promoting boyishly charming tools you’ll ever need. Baseball won't miss you, I promise!

8a. John Franco. See Al Leiter. Heh heh heh. Only in this guy’s case, add that stupid inappropriate somewhat robotic grin he used to flash at the worst possible times.

Stick to soda producing, Johnny. And don't let the door.... well, you know the rest.

7. Bud Selig. I sometimes just call him “Goofy,” for his resemblance, at his least to me, to the “Goofy” cartoon character. He means well, he seems earnest enough, and like a genuinely good-intentioned nice guy in a low-key Midwestern sort of way, but he just doesn’t really seem to grasp that the game is changing, and the game needs to change with it, lol.

He's like Howdy Doody Time in a Goofy sort of way, a well-meaning if somewhat naive and harmless semi-dolt, an "aw shucks" type who seems still not able to believe that he, himself, has attained the position of Commissioner of Baseball.

Aw shucks; kind of hard for me to believe he actually did, so I can't blame him there!

6. Willie Randolph. Another crappy interview. The guy is so low key that I sometimes wonder if he’s even alive during the interview. Earth to Willie… earth to Willie…. He knows all the clichés, sprinkles them about liberally, and in his own way is as annoying as Mr. Art “We Battled” Howe used to be. In fact, I'm falling asleep just talking about Willie...zzzz..... More often than not, I’d like to stick my arms right through the screen and shake him, and find out if there’s really any substance there.

I doubt there is.

I suppose we shall see next year.

5. Omar Minaya. If he says “you know what I'm saying?” one more time, I think I'll throw up, you know what I'm saying (snicker)? Lose the phrase, Omar; really. You know what I'm saying? See how dumb it sounds? That's right. You sound like a neighborhood reject wanna-be, or something like that. I’m sure Omar's a nice neighborhood guy, as probably is Willie, it’s just that the Willie/Omar tandem kind of puts me to sleep more often than not. ZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz........

Stick to real announcements of worth, OK, Omar? Thanks.

4. Fred Wilpon. He’s a nice guy, by all accounts, but he’s another one of those low-key almost-dead barely-breathing guys the Mets seem to favor for the public view.

Of course, since he’s the owner, not much we can do here.

And he has been stepping away lately, which hrings me to number 3:

3. Jeff Wilpon. Could anyone have less of a clue, really? I doubt it. I put him at number three, ahead of Daddy Dear, only because he’s slightly more annoying in his ignorance.

And he seems to be the current Mets pitch-boy of choice.

Jeff, try a little humility, and a little more common sense, that is, if you have any.

2. Scott Boras. Everyone who loves the game of baseball ought to have this guy as number two, at least, on his or her list. I guess you can’t really blame Scott, he’s only providing a service to his clients, but if someone were to ask me, today, who has singlehandedly done the most to destroy the game of baseball, my answer would have to be Scott Boras.

Of course, to be fair, if someone were to ask me, today, who has singlehandedly done the most to enrich the pockets of his baseball player clients, my answer would also have to be Scott Boras.

It's almost a funny, idiosyncratic double-edged sword of a sorts, only it's not, and most of us don't know whether to laugh or cry.

Kudos or kayos? Yet to be determined, I suppose. But in the meantime, shut up, Scott!

1. Alex Rodriguez. Could there be any other numero uno? The phoniest of the phonies, the greediest of the greedy, the man who strives for every last dollar, quarter, dime, nickel, and penny he can squeeze out of the game. Sure, he’s undoubtedly the best player of his time, and has to be one of the top five of all time, but boy, I don’t know about you, dear reader, but if I have to look at his face on television one more time, spouting off his self-aggrandizing falsely humble “I’m so misunderstood” bull, it will be too soon.

You’re not fooling anybody, Alex. The gig is up. We know you’re your own biggest fan.

One can only hope you’re not buying your own line.

There, folks, that’s my list. Any comments, questions, thoughts, remarks, diatribes, whatever, feel free to vent in the forums!